In Which My New Call-Center Job Melts My Brain Cells

hello, thank you for calling;
for security purposes,
can I please advise
that you hang up now,
hang up and step away from your phone
or other communication device
before you get put on hold for longer
than the time you set aside for this call,
or transferred one or sixteen more times
to anything but help.

and I would just like to inform you that,
during this call,
I would like to use records of
your every thought and action
to suggest products and services
in a fake-smile monotone high pitch,
and that protecting this information
is your right
and my duty
under federal law or maybe just a moral code,
and your answer will probably affect your service
today. how may i assist you?
yes, sir. no, sir.
I completely understand, sir.

sir, do you mind if I just place you on a brief hold
while I go over your account
and finish colouring this picture
and ask my supervisor
who quit? and
who's fired? and
who's taking whom to the club tomorrow night?
thank you, sir.
hello, sir? thank you for holding, and
I do apologize for the delay.
It looks like this problem is not on our end
but on yours, or maybe your local service
fucked it up, cuz it sure wasn't us,
so what you'll have to do is call them
and tell them to change your routing
to none.

and before you go, is there anything else I
can do to ensure
you're very satisfied with my service today?
all right, sir, thank you,
and can I interest you in anything,
anything at all? no?
all right, sir, thank you for calling, sir,
and you
have a
wonderful day.